Social Animals

Life is self-sustained and regenerated. When the last entity of a species dies without reproducing, the species ceases to exist. In earlier life forms the reproduction is very simple -- the splitting of cells. Many plants cross pollinate because this increases the survival and evolution of the species. More advanced animals take mates for the same reason. Most animals are loners and come together only at mating time. Humans are social animals. They often take mates that become partners for a much longer period of time. Often a lifetime. Humans require social companionship. Some more than others.

Humans also have the ability to think conceptually. Their means of survival is thinking, reasoning. Their life is goal oriented. They think. They plan long term. This can cause lifetime partnerships to dissolve. The goals of the partners can change over time. At first their common goal may be lust or something longer like raising a family. Over time their interests, hopes and dreams can drift further apart. When this happens tension starts to grow.

As the tension grows something has to give. One partner might become the more dominant one and the other become subdued, withdrawn, even depressed. Depressed and dysfunctional because long-term goals and plans are no longer possible. Living a life of quiet desperation waiting for something to change, finding escape, solitude, small pleasures when possible. Another possibility is an equal building of anger and hate between the two. This typically ends in a nasty, bitter, termination of the partnership disrupting both lives and often the lives of others close to them.

The termination of a long time partner relationship will most likely be traumatic for one or both partners no matter how it is done. What could possibly be the best plan of action?


Termination of Partnership
The longer the partners have been together the more disrupting the termination will be. Living in the same house with someone means a sharing of responsibilities. The arrangement of responsibilities has developed over many years, mostly without any formal design, planning, reviews, etc. These responsibilities, or roles, may change over time. Who pays bills, who plans savings and investments, who cleans the house, who repairs broken things, who plans meals and buys groceries, who handles most communications with family and friends. After half a lifetime, switching to no partner will require lots of changes. The advantage of division of labor is lost. Now each person has all responsibilities rather than some subset. At least one must find a new place to live; property must be split in some equitable fashion, titles changed, furniture and personal items moved, etc.

Each partner must consider all of this carefully and understand all that has to be done. Is it really worth the effort? Can the differences be worked out without dissolving the relationship? At some point the differences may become so unbearable to one or both partners that something has to be done. Some considerations are: 1) How much longer do I have to live. If I only have a few years left I don't want to spend them going through such an effort before I can even start an independent future. 2) How bad is it really? Is it possible to make some less disrupting changes and be relatively happy? Love is one thing, but partnership compatibility is quite different. I can envision one kind of partnership with one person and another with another person. Apartment mates sometimes get along better if they know little about each other.

They say a cool head prevails. Is it possible for the partners to recognize the point of incompatibility and create a step-by-step plan of action to make the process as easy as possible whether it ultimately ends in a total dissolution of the partnership or not? This may not be possible because differences in values, philosophy and reasoning is likely what led to the situation in the first place. But, for argument sake lets assume that it is possible. What would such a plan look like?


Plan A
Because of the large number of tasks and adjustments that must be made, the goal would be to spread them out if possible and do them in the least disruptive order.

1. Clean up contents of house and garage getting rid of as much as possible and determining who who gets what of what is kept. Nothing is lost if this is as far as it goes.
2. One partner finds temporary living quarters. Must move necessities and personal items to new quarters. Start moving other items.
3. At time of move to temporary quarters the finances and bill paying will still be handled as before. The only big change is the expense of new quarters. After move, start working out financial separation. This would include separate bank accounts, savings accounts, legal ownership of house, cars, etc. Because of "government laws" regarding marriage and property, this is likely to be the most difficult step. For example, IRA's can't be split without penalty unless a divorce occurs. 

The problem I see with this plan is that the hardest part (step 3) is done after physical separation when emotions are likely to be the highest. Perhaps the following plan would be much better.

Plan B

1. Remove the "government's" controls first by getting a mutually consensual divorce. During this process no plans for physical separation need to be made. 
2. At this time the IRA's and property splits can be worked out along with financial responsibilities.
3. After this the physical can be planned if desired, but at least one major problem has already been resolved. Each partner has gained financial freedom (to a large degree) from the other.  

A variation of Plan B could be to first sell the common residence and rent (or one partner buy) a new residence. If renting the rent would be split. If buying it would be in one persons name and the other pay a suitable rent. After this, proceed with steps 1., 2., and 3.